Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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