Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
