Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
