also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
