I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
