I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
