guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize