So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
