Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
