Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I love having hate sex.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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