true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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