Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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