I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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