ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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