your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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