allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
