My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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