is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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