in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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