I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
