Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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