Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
