i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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