Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
