I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
