one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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