I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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