Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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