in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
