How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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