wanna go halves on a baby?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize