I wish I could teleport
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
