You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You made out with two different species that night
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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