I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
