Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
