My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
