So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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