Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
