lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
birth control should be required to get into college
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
