My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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