(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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