HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
