i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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