My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
