I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
