I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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