There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
