Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So many bounce houses so little time
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
