do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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