Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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