My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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