The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
