i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
