I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
