He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
