Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
