Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
