Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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