I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
