This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
