well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Fuck appropriateness.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
