Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
