too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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