You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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