So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize