Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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