I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Woke up backwards on a recliner
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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