Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
